Delete

And as I stood in the shower and the steaming water fell on my bare back in a way that was both healing and harming me within and without, all I could think of was the "I'm sorry"s uttered that day. What did it all mean and why?
As he told me how what I'd done had hurt him and destroyed what we had been working so hard on building, I wondered if he was too upset or too consumed in how distraught he was that he cheated on me because "I did it first", to see the look of shame and disgust already displayed on my face.

As I got the test results back and realised that I probably should not have watched a movie that night and instead studied for the test, it hit me that this isn't the first time.

As I smile at the girl complimenting my shoes although I know she doesn't mean it and is only saying it so that when I'm gone her friends can laugh about the fact nobody even wears that brand anymore, the pain I feel brings a plus 1 to the party already being thrown in pain's honour in my heart.

As I looked at the pee stick and it tells me of the little life that is sharing my food drink and sleep, growing by the minute as it does so, I shudder and ask myself who does it deserve me? Do I desereve it?

As I got the phone call letting me know that they had tried their best and done everything they could- their very best, but they had to let go because marriage is not for everbody, I wondered who marriage really is for.
As I walked away from the friends who had supported me and the faces I had looked into with hope and faith when they had just experienced something tragic, I pondered on whether in my absence they'd be ok. Who'd need the other more, me or they?

As I lay in my bed, anxiously waiting, counting the hours before the father I need comes into my room to make me earn the food, clothes and life which so many take for granted, I ask myself, how can it ever stop without it being a lose for all involved?

As I ran down the street with dry eyes because that well ran out ages ago for crying over the abusive man whom its my burden to love despite knowing he'll never love me back in the way I need him to, I wish I wasn't able to love at all.

As I siat in front of a computer screen on a night when I should have been fast asleep, instead of developing a headache from music which is far too loud and voices that are far too drunk- at someone else's party, I thought, surely there's gotta be more than this somewhere out there...

And as I write it all down and literally let it go, I visualise a way to say, "Universe, everything I have experienced, eaten, seen, heard, said and done today, please, lets just press delete".

*and then she killed herself*

It didn't have to be that way though. A helping hand, an empathetic smile, lips that dare to say, "are you ok" was all it would've taken to save her that day. So spread kindness wherever you are, because each time you ignore a broken heart or a hurting soul, you could be pouring sand over the casket at the funeral of that person, because these days people die a little each day and not all at once when they are old and sad...

Thoughts For Free

You know the idea of, "penny for your thoughts?" Get this, I'm giving you my thoughts for free. Each day I will take one thing which I saw, thought or heard which left me gobsmacked and gave me an itch to comment on it, and write about it. So basically, my opinion on the goings on in life- in my day anyway... Lets see how many installations I can manage. They may be funny, odd, awkward or just random, but one thing they will always be is brutally honest and even surprising, and definitely entertaining and informative, so lets do this.

What caught my eye today? I was surfing the net and I saw a pop-up which said the following: Live in Tajikistan? Get a Divorce by Text

Excuse me?! What is the meaning of that? Is this Tajikistan place such an epic failure to the point that a divorce the civil way is too sophisticated? Or are the people there so busy such that filing for a paper divorce is too much of a time-wasting mission? Can your husband or wife be so bad (after having chosen on your own to marry them), that you cannot bear one more second of being their hubby or wifey?

I take serious offence to this entire concept. What is going on in the world? When did the fairytale end and ditching your partner turn into something as lame as spitting out chewing gum? This is what I would imagine: If we were able to take time out of our busy lives to take other people's time away from their busy lives, so they can witness us standing before a minister, God, family and utter strangers, declaring our love and commitment to each other- for the rest of our lives- the least that my husband can do when he decides that the rest of his life is far too long a time to tolerate me (understandably so, as I can be a handful), is to be nice enough to tell me its over face to face. What is the difference between "please call its over" and divorcing your wife via text? Mxm!

Marriage is a promise to be there for another human being forever plus a day, no matter what. You cannot just sms them saying, "rain check" when you feel as though you're over it. And this is the general matter with the citizens of the global society lately. Things of grave importance have become so insignificant. Voting for the country's president has been likened to rolling a dice. Starting a relationship has become like getting on a ride where you jump off or vomit at random intervals (both actions are inappropriate). Starting a family has been reduced to making children as if you're planting daisies and circulating diseases of all sorts has become like handing out tic tacs. Mxm!!

Get married, don't get married- your choice. But whatever you choose, live with it and if you can't, at least be ashamed about being a coward and having to chicken out. Don't sms your symbol of shame to the next person as if you're proud of yourself. Tajikistan, shame on you!!!!

That's all folks... See you soon
(^^,)
Zoey