And as I stood in the shower and the steaming water fell on my bare back in a way that was both healing and harming me within and without, all I could think of was the "I'm sorry"s uttered that day. What did it all mean and why?
As he told me how what I'd done had hurt him and destroyed what we had been working so hard on building, I wondered if he was too upset or too consumed in how distraught he was that he cheated on me because "I did it first", to see the look of shame and disgust already displayed on my face.
As I got the test results back and realised that I probably should not have watched a movie that night and instead studied for the test, it hit me that this isn't the first time.
As I smile at the girl complimenting my shoes although I know she doesn't mean it and is only saying it so that when I'm gone her friends can laugh about the fact nobody even wears that brand anymore, the pain I feel brings a plus 1 to the party already being thrown in pain's honour in my heart.
As I looked at the pee stick and it tells me of the little life that is sharing my food drink and sleep, growing by the minute as it does so, I shudder and ask myself who does it deserve me? Do I desereve it?
As I got the phone call letting me know that they had tried their best and done everything they could- their very best, but they had to let go because marriage is not for everbody, I wondered who marriage really is for.
As I walked away from the friends who had supported me and the faces I had looked into with hope and faith when they had just experienced something tragic, I pondered on whether in my absence they'd be ok. Who'd need the other more, me or they?
As I lay in my bed, anxiously waiting, counting the hours before the father I need comes into my room to make me earn the food, clothes and life which so many take for granted, I ask myself, how can it ever stop without it being a lose for all involved?
As I ran down the street with dry eyes because that well ran out ages ago for crying over the abusive man whom its my burden to love despite knowing he'll never love me back in the way I need him to, I wish I wasn't able to love at all.
As I siat in front of a computer screen on a night when I should have been fast asleep, instead of developing a headache from music which is far too loud and voices that are far too drunk- at someone else's party, I thought, surely there's gotta be more than this somewhere out there...
And as I write it all down and literally let it go, I visualise a way to say, "Universe, everything I have experienced, eaten, seen, heard, said and done today, please, lets just press delete".
*and then she killed herself*
It didn't have to be that way though. A helping hand, an empathetic smile, lips that dare to say, "are you ok" was all it would've taken to save her that day. So spread kindness wherever you are, because each time you ignore a broken heart or a hurting soul, you could be pouring sand over the casket at the funeral of that person, because these days people die a little each day and not all at once when they are old and sad...
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Thoughts For Free
You know the idea of, "penny for your thoughts?" Get this, I'm giving you my thoughts for free. Each day I will take one thing which I saw, thought or heard which left me gobsmacked and gave me an itch to comment on it, and write about it. So basically, my opinion on the goings on in life- in my day anyway... Lets see how many installations I can manage. They may be funny, odd, awkward or just random, but one thing they will always be is brutally honest and even surprising, and definitely entertaining and informative, so lets do this.
What caught my eye today? I was surfing the net and I saw a pop-up which said the following: Live in Tajikistan? Get a Divorce by Text
Excuse me?! What is the meaning of that? Is this Tajikistan place such an epic failure to the point that a divorce the civil way is too sophisticated? Or are the people there so busy such that filing for a paper divorce is too much of a time-wasting mission? Can your husband or wife be so bad (after having chosen on your own to marry them), that you cannot bear one more second of being their hubby or wifey?
I take serious offence to this entire concept. What is going on in the world? When did the fairytale end and ditching your partner turn into something as lame as spitting out chewing gum? This is what I would imagine: If we were able to take time out of our busy lives to take other people's time away from their busy lives, so they can witness us standing before a minister, God, family and utter strangers, declaring our love and commitment to each other- for the rest of our lives- the least that my husband can do when he decides that the rest of his life is far too long a time to tolerate me (understandably so, as I can be a handful), is to be nice enough to tell me its over face to face. What is the difference between "please call its over" and divorcing your wife via text? Mxm!
Marriage is a promise to be there for another human being forever plus a day, no matter what. You cannot just sms them saying, "rain check" when you feel as though you're over it. And this is the general matter with the citizens of the global society lately. Things of grave importance have become so insignificant. Voting for the country's president has been likened to rolling a dice. Starting a relationship has become like getting on a ride where you jump off or vomit at random intervals (both actions are inappropriate). Starting a family has been reduced to making children as if you're planting daisies and circulating diseases of all sorts has become like handing out tic tacs. Mxm!!
Get married, don't get married- your choice. But whatever you choose, live with it and if you can't, at least be ashamed about being a coward and having to chicken out. Don't sms your symbol of shame to the next person as if you're proud of yourself. Tajikistan, shame on you!!!!
That's all folks... See you soon
(^^,)
Zoey
What caught my eye today? I was surfing the net and I saw a pop-up which said the following: Live in Tajikistan? Get a Divorce by Text
Excuse me?! What is the meaning of that? Is this Tajikistan place such an epic failure to the point that a divorce the civil way is too sophisticated? Or are the people there so busy such that filing for a paper divorce is too much of a time-wasting mission? Can your husband or wife be so bad (after having chosen on your own to marry them), that you cannot bear one more second of being their hubby or wifey?
I take serious offence to this entire concept. What is going on in the world? When did the fairytale end and ditching your partner turn into something as lame as spitting out chewing gum? This is what I would imagine: If we were able to take time out of our busy lives to take other people's time away from their busy lives, so they can witness us standing before a minister, God, family and utter strangers, declaring our love and commitment to each other- for the rest of our lives- the least that my husband can do when he decides that the rest of his life is far too long a time to tolerate me (understandably so, as I can be a handful), is to be nice enough to tell me its over face to face. What is the difference between "please call its over" and divorcing your wife via text? Mxm!
Marriage is a promise to be there for another human being forever plus a day, no matter what. You cannot just sms them saying, "rain check" when you feel as though you're over it. And this is the general matter with the citizens of the global society lately. Things of grave importance have become so insignificant. Voting for the country's president has been likened to rolling a dice. Starting a relationship has become like getting on a ride where you jump off or vomit at random intervals (both actions are inappropriate). Starting a family has been reduced to making children as if you're planting daisies and circulating diseases of all sorts has become like handing out tic tacs. Mxm!!
Get married, don't get married- your choice. But whatever you choose, live with it and if you can't, at least be ashamed about being a coward and having to chicken out. Don't sms your symbol of shame to the next person as if you're proud of yourself. Tajikistan, shame on you!!!!
That's all folks... See you soon
(^^,)
Zoey
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Relationship Survival 101 Lecture 1
Someone once said to me, "Men are like tiles, if you lay them correctly the first time around, you can walk over them for the rest of your life, no interruptions, no renovations." While it seems like a solid idea, I'd like to add that some men don't need to be walked on, but walked with. Like a fence that never ever ends and you can walk along it for miles and days. A companion rather than a stepping stone or carpet.
1. Most ladies prefer men who are sweet, loving, caring, supportive, attentive and handsome all at once, and if they can't get that combination in one man, they aren't shy to be with 2 or 3 guys at a time and together all the men make one great guy. I reckon, instead of a recipe, think of one quality you can't possibly live without, ensure that you get that one and let everything else be an unpredictable journey of discovery. You'd be surprised to find that some things in men that frustrate you, aren't frustrating because he's a bad guy, but they frustrate you because you don't know how to cope with them. So here's the solution, instead of dumping him and running for your life (unless he uses you as a punching bag), analyse the problem and acquire the skills necessary to cope with it and move on to the next issue. Because there are quite a few...
2. Most relationships are between humans. Humans make mistakes. Therefore, his mistakes aren't greater than yours, you're just better at nagging about his mistakes, than he is at nagging about yours. So with our mistakes being equal, let forgiveness be sought and awarded in the same way. Same transgression, same punishment- for consistency. Nobody needs to work harder than the other, although extra effort will always be given extra credit and extra rewards.... *wink*
3. Guys, as much as sometimes its sweet to be told that I am better than your last girlfriend because of this and that, comparing is just annoying. If I am that great at doing my job, how is she still on your mind so often? Also, you can only compare similar things otherwise its unfair. We are not and never will be the same, so don't compare me to her. Also, no complaints which start with the words, "my last girlfriend used to..." If she was so great, why aren't you with her now? Don't compare our relationship to your friends' relationships. There are different dynamics which work for them and make their union work which won't necessarily work for us because of our uniqueness. For all you know they are together as a business transaction. If you want to swop, I am game, but while you want to be with me, work on making us better and stop wanting us to be a duplicate of them.
4. There is a difference between suggestions, instructions and commands. I am not your child and although I am your girlfriend, I am not really your property so you are in no position to command or instruct me. Suggestions are welcomed though. By the way, because we are both human, we both have hands. If I can wash dishes, so can you. So lets treat this like what it is: a partnership. If I cook, you wash the dishes. If I do the laundry, the least you can do is pack the clothes in their rightful places. At no point am I supposed to be working my ass of while you chill. And don't make excuses pertaining to how hard you worked all day. I had my fair share of struggles all day long too. Its all about being empathetic and considerate. Your presence is supposed to make my life easier, not make me miss my single days. Ladies, same principle. A man with a partner cannot be the same as one on his own- and you create the difference.
5. Ladies, don't shout at guys, no matter what. Silence achieves the same result as shouting does, except you are less drained afterwards. Contrary to popular belief, guys aren't really partially-deaf wild animals so they can understand human language spoken in a normal tone at a normal volume.
6. Guys and girls, calm down on taking advice from friends who live their lives through yours. If you were to take a minute to consider the people who advise you, most of them are single, in terrible relationships or just not worth mentioning. So what qualifies them to advise you on your relationship? Think carefully before you take advice and make it your relationship's survival guide. Also, intentions are invisible. Actions aren't. Don't just say and think and feel what you mean, try showing it. Most partners cannot read minds.
7. One last thing, not all qualities come with the product when you purchase it. Some things are learnt along the way. So if things aren't excellent at first, work hard at improving them and give the change some time to take place.
Enough said, for now- play nicely...
Class dismissed
1. Most ladies prefer men who are sweet, loving, caring, supportive, attentive and handsome all at once, and if they can't get that combination in one man, they aren't shy to be with 2 or 3 guys at a time and together all the men make one great guy. I reckon, instead of a recipe, think of one quality you can't possibly live without, ensure that you get that one and let everything else be an unpredictable journey of discovery. You'd be surprised to find that some things in men that frustrate you, aren't frustrating because he's a bad guy, but they frustrate you because you don't know how to cope with them. So here's the solution, instead of dumping him and running for your life (unless he uses you as a punching bag), analyse the problem and acquire the skills necessary to cope with it and move on to the next issue. Because there are quite a few...
2. Most relationships are between humans. Humans make mistakes. Therefore, his mistakes aren't greater than yours, you're just better at nagging about his mistakes, than he is at nagging about yours. So with our mistakes being equal, let forgiveness be sought and awarded in the same way. Same transgression, same punishment- for consistency. Nobody needs to work harder than the other, although extra effort will always be given extra credit and extra rewards.... *wink*
3. Guys, as much as sometimes its sweet to be told that I am better than your last girlfriend because of this and that, comparing is just annoying. If I am that great at doing my job, how is she still on your mind so often? Also, you can only compare similar things otherwise its unfair. We are not and never will be the same, so don't compare me to her. Also, no complaints which start with the words, "my last girlfriend used to..." If she was so great, why aren't you with her now? Don't compare our relationship to your friends' relationships. There are different dynamics which work for them and make their union work which won't necessarily work for us because of our uniqueness. For all you know they are together as a business transaction. If you want to swop, I am game, but while you want to be with me, work on making us better and stop wanting us to be a duplicate of them.
4. There is a difference between suggestions, instructions and commands. I am not your child and although I am your girlfriend, I am not really your property so you are in no position to command or instruct me. Suggestions are welcomed though. By the way, because we are both human, we both have hands. If I can wash dishes, so can you. So lets treat this like what it is: a partnership. If I cook, you wash the dishes. If I do the laundry, the least you can do is pack the clothes in their rightful places. At no point am I supposed to be working my ass of while you chill. And don't make excuses pertaining to how hard you worked all day. I had my fair share of struggles all day long too. Its all about being empathetic and considerate. Your presence is supposed to make my life easier, not make me miss my single days. Ladies, same principle. A man with a partner cannot be the same as one on his own- and you create the difference.
5. Ladies, don't shout at guys, no matter what. Silence achieves the same result as shouting does, except you are less drained afterwards. Contrary to popular belief, guys aren't really partially-deaf wild animals so they can understand human language spoken in a normal tone at a normal volume.
6. Guys and girls, calm down on taking advice from friends who live their lives through yours. If you were to take a minute to consider the people who advise you, most of them are single, in terrible relationships or just not worth mentioning. So what qualifies them to advise you on your relationship? Think carefully before you take advice and make it your relationship's survival guide. Also, intentions are invisible. Actions aren't. Don't just say and think and feel what you mean, try showing it. Most partners cannot read minds.
7. One last thing, not all qualities come with the product when you purchase it. Some things are learnt along the way. So if things aren't excellent at first, work hard at improving them and give the change some time to take place.
Enough said, for now- play nicely...
Class dismissed
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
In Love With Falling In Love
It was like falling asleep in a storm and waking up to a warm and sunny day- he was like sunshine. As the birds sang my heart rang. The warmth of love at its best. Love at sunrise. Being in love was so beautiful... But all too soon the heat was unbearable. It burnt my skin and more than warmth I felt irritation. I had tog et out of it and leave it alone. And just like that he was gone
Thank goodness for the afternoon though, because it brought with it a gentle breeze. A breeze which soothed the burn wounds from the morning and early afternoon sun. A breeze which carried on the wind the beautiful music of rustling leaves. Once again I found myself in love. Madly, passionately, but cooly. The music sang until it turned from senasational vibrations to a sound which was harsh to the ears and made them bleed. In the panic, the breeze turned into a harsh gust of wind, throwing summer hats in the air and making dresses flair upside down unflatteringly. I had to get away from it. So I had to run inside to find relief.
Indoors with a lit fireplace, the sound of wood and coal crackling in the fir calmed my nerves while the security and warmth of the house soothe the effects of the assault by the afternoon not so long ago. Love was found. Love, peace, joy, beauty, warmth and security. But because when a fire is warm, that's that, nothing can change and I was made for variety, the fire grew boring and I had to get away. Away to the window to be swept away by the midnight stars.
Stars: Beautiful, peaceful, dreamy, awesome indeed. Love has found me once more. But differently this time, because like the stars, it is distant, dreamlike. Real enough to be seen but conceptual enough not be tangible...
Love is amazing, but falling in love is better, the danger though, is that falling is a process or journey and love is the destination...
Thank goodness for the afternoon though, because it brought with it a gentle breeze. A breeze which soothed the burn wounds from the morning and early afternoon sun. A breeze which carried on the wind the beautiful music of rustling leaves. Once again I found myself in love. Madly, passionately, but cooly. The music sang until it turned from senasational vibrations to a sound which was harsh to the ears and made them bleed. In the panic, the breeze turned into a harsh gust of wind, throwing summer hats in the air and making dresses flair upside down unflatteringly. I had to get away from it. So I had to run inside to find relief.
Indoors with a lit fireplace, the sound of wood and coal crackling in the fir calmed my nerves while the security and warmth of the house soothe the effects of the assault by the afternoon not so long ago. Love was found. Love, peace, joy, beauty, warmth and security. But because when a fire is warm, that's that, nothing can change and I was made for variety, the fire grew boring and I had to get away. Away to the window to be swept away by the midnight stars.
Stars: Beautiful, peaceful, dreamy, awesome indeed. Love has found me once more. But differently this time, because like the stars, it is distant, dreamlike. Real enough to be seen but conceptual enough not be tangible...
Love is amazing, but falling in love is better, the danger though, is that falling is a process or journey and love is the destination...
Your Looks Upgrade Mine- Upgrading You Upgrades Me Too
Deny it all you want, but we all know its true. Ugly people make average people look beautiful. And average people know this, that's why they surround themselves with these uglies. The uglies also benefit because they average person attracts attention to them.
Example: X is an average girl with quite a strange-looking body for a girl. But she has nice skin, which is about the best thing about her. Y is a guy who seems to be from an alternate universe completely. He has bad skin, is highly overweight and to top it all off, he's not a speaker, he communicates by means of word vomitting. For some reason or another, fate is kind to Y and gives X a moment of temporry insanity which lands her in a relationship with Y. Suddenly X is not that average at all. People start saying things like, "yeah, she's not that great, but there is something about her that makes you look twice". Meanwhile, U is also benefitting because suddenly people are like, "Hmmm, Y must be good in bed or a great kisser or he must spoil her to death or something. Coz he is so aesthetically challenged and yet X is so happy and so in love. I winder what it is, but he must be amazing at whatever it is".
Its a very strange phenomenon indeed. If you are X, please don't feel guilty, and if you are Y, don't feel bad or ugly. The point is this- regardless of who brought what into the relationship, the partnership is working. So no need to squabble over who is the brains and who is the beauty and who is just the weakest link. Seriously though, I find it amazing. Amzing, mind-boggling and just awesome all at once. Because its win-win all around. The ugly gets fame, while the average gets beauty. Its really a masterpiece.
I was just thinking out loud... Most random post ever!
Example: X is an average girl with quite a strange-looking body for a girl. But she has nice skin, which is about the best thing about her. Y is a guy who seems to be from an alternate universe completely. He has bad skin, is highly overweight and to top it all off, he's not a speaker, he communicates by means of word vomitting. For some reason or another, fate is kind to Y and gives X a moment of temporry insanity which lands her in a relationship with Y. Suddenly X is not that average at all. People start saying things like, "yeah, she's not that great, but there is something about her that makes you look twice". Meanwhile, U is also benefitting because suddenly people are like, "Hmmm, Y must be good in bed or a great kisser or he must spoil her to death or something. Coz he is so aesthetically challenged and yet X is so happy and so in love. I winder what it is, but he must be amazing at whatever it is".
Its a very strange phenomenon indeed. If you are X, please don't feel guilty, and if you are Y, don't feel bad or ugly. The point is this- regardless of who brought what into the relationship, the partnership is working. So no need to squabble over who is the brains and who is the beauty and who is just the weakest link. Seriously though, I find it amazing. Amzing, mind-boggling and just awesome all at once. Because its win-win all around. The ugly gets fame, while the average gets beauty. Its really a masterpiece.
I was just thinking out loud... Most random post ever!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Religion, the tie that binds and the fire that burns
There was recently a court interdict which was sought in the attempt to stop a Muslim man from burning bibles in the library gardens in Johannesburg. This story follows a report from the United States of America, where Pastor Terry Jones threatened to burn the Quran. In a country where democracy and equality are severely entrenched, what is the explanation for this behaviour?
Mr Karl Konar of the Commission for the Promotion and Protection of the Rights of Cultural, Religious and Linguistic Communities said the following; "People fail to differentiate between embracing and tolerating one another's diverse backgrounds and beliefs." He also stated that because each citizen has rights of their own, it is difficult to draw the line of how far each person can practice their rights without infringing on the rights of another. When asked about incidences where the freedom of expression and religious freedom were threatened, Konar said, "we try to avoid such incidents by educating the public. It is important that each individual consider the rights of others when exercising their rights and freedoms."
In response to the question, 'what are the limits of religious freedom', Donovan Grigg of the Seventh-Day Adventist Church, said that in some instances they cannot practice their religious beliefs fully as they seem to contravene the accepted norms. For example, from Friday evening until Saturday evening, is a holy day of worship and rest, referred to as the Sabbath. However, being at an institution like Rhodes University where exams and tests are often given at this time, it poses a challenge of how far one is able to go in enjoying their religious freedom. A student who requested to remain anonymous, said that his freedom of religious belief is not fully guaranteed or protected in Grahamstown because Christianity is the centre of all things. He cannot freely continue in his disbelief of God because Grahamstown is saturated with Christians who impose their God on him at every end. In response to the same question, Sheiraj Batiste, an Imam from Cape Town said that the truth of the matter is that you are only as free as your surroundings allow you to be.
How free then, is religious freedom, if you are either forced to believe something, or rejected because you don't? How can we all exercise our religious freedom if in order to do so we need to persecute the religions of others?
Mr Karl Konar of the Commission for the Promotion and Protection of the Rights of Cultural, Religious and Linguistic Communities said the following; "People fail to differentiate between embracing and tolerating one another's diverse backgrounds and beliefs." He also stated that because each citizen has rights of their own, it is difficult to draw the line of how far each person can practice their rights without infringing on the rights of another. When asked about incidences where the freedom of expression and religious freedom were threatened, Konar said, "we try to avoid such incidents by educating the public. It is important that each individual consider the rights of others when exercising their rights and freedoms."
In response to the question, 'what are the limits of religious freedom', Donovan Grigg of the Seventh-Day Adventist Church, said that in some instances they cannot practice their religious beliefs fully as they seem to contravene the accepted norms. For example, from Friday evening until Saturday evening, is a holy day of worship and rest, referred to as the Sabbath. However, being at an institution like Rhodes University where exams and tests are often given at this time, it poses a challenge of how far one is able to go in enjoying their religious freedom. A student who requested to remain anonymous, said that his freedom of religious belief is not fully guaranteed or protected in Grahamstown because Christianity is the centre of all things. He cannot freely continue in his disbelief of God because Grahamstown is saturated with Christians who impose their God on him at every end. In response to the same question, Sheiraj Batiste, an Imam from Cape Town said that the truth of the matter is that you are only as free as your surroundings allow you to be.
How free then, is religious freedom, if you are either forced to believe something, or rejected because you don't? How can we all exercise our religious freedom if in order to do so we need to persecute the religions of others?
Monday, October 4, 2010
You've moved out of my heart and mind, so move on!!
I apologise for the extreme silence. I have no real clue of why I have been so busy. Everything which has my name on it has been such a chore lately; varsity, friendship, being a girlfriend, being a daughter, I have just been drowning and drowning. Fortunately though, something annoyed me today. It really annoyed me, to the point that here I am ranting and raving about it.
There's this guy, lets call him X. We dated, about a year or two ago. We broke up, it was bad for him but good for me, (breakups never affect both parties in the same way), I moved from Jozi to Grahamstown and put it all behind me. He followed me here and made threats to find a job here so that he could be close to me so that we can work on things. I then made threats of calling the popo if I saw his scrawny ass anywhere near Grahamstown- the long and short of it, he's gone... Or so I thought. Today he sent me a message on Facebook, (which I had deleted him from), informing me that he bought a new car and I should tell him when I am free so he can take me for a ride. Naturally I said no thanks. I mean, I have been on a ride with him before and it left me vomitting and pale-*giggle*. So those kind of things are never to be repeated. To my great astonishment, he then sent me angry messages to the effect that my refusal is rude and I am very angry and violent, blah blah blah. Now I'm thinking, WHAT THE HELL!!! Do you want me to shove my foot up your nostril so you can experience what violence is really like? I mean really dude, its over. We broke up, I moved on. Please just go away..
Nx! Why can't people just go on with their lives. I mean sure, it was fun while it lasted, but now I am making it last with someone else and your intereference is making it rather challenging. One more thing, when I delete you from Mxit or Facebook, it means I want no contact. It does not mean that I am taking a break and when you are ready, you can invite me again. Nx! Where do you tihnk this is? play school or something? Hawu!!
Nx!!
Enough said,
(**,)
There's this guy, lets call him X. We dated, about a year or two ago. We broke up, it was bad for him but good for me, (breakups never affect both parties in the same way), I moved from Jozi to Grahamstown and put it all behind me. He followed me here and made threats to find a job here so that he could be close to me so that we can work on things. I then made threats of calling the popo if I saw his scrawny ass anywhere near Grahamstown- the long and short of it, he's gone... Or so I thought. Today he sent me a message on Facebook, (which I had deleted him from), informing me that he bought a new car and I should tell him when I am free so he can take me for a ride. Naturally I said no thanks. I mean, I have been on a ride with him before and it left me vomitting and pale-*giggle*. So those kind of things are never to be repeated. To my great astonishment, he then sent me angry messages to the effect that my refusal is rude and I am very angry and violent, blah blah blah. Now I'm thinking, WHAT THE HELL!!! Do you want me to shove my foot up your nostril so you can experience what violence is really like? I mean really dude, its over. We broke up, I moved on. Please just go away..
Nx! Why can't people just go on with their lives. I mean sure, it was fun while it lasted, but now I am making it last with someone else and your intereference is making it rather challenging. One more thing, when I delete you from Mxit or Facebook, it means I want no contact. It does not mean that I am taking a break and when you are ready, you can invite me again. Nx! Where do you tihnk this is? play school or something? Hawu!!
Nx!!
Enough said,
(**,)
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