Delete

And as I stood in the shower and the steaming water fell on my bare back in a way that was both healing and harming me within and without, all I could think of was the "I'm sorry"s uttered that day. What did it all mean and why?
As he told me how what I'd done had hurt him and destroyed what we had been working so hard on building, I wondered if he was too upset or too consumed in how distraught he was that he cheated on me because "I did it first", to see the look of shame and disgust already displayed on my face.

As I got the test results back and realised that I probably should not have watched a movie that night and instead studied for the test, it hit me that this isn't the first time.

As I smile at the girl complimenting my shoes although I know she doesn't mean it and is only saying it so that when I'm gone her friends can laugh about the fact nobody even wears that brand anymore, the pain I feel brings a plus 1 to the party already being thrown in pain's honour in my heart.

As I looked at the pee stick and it tells me of the little life that is sharing my food drink and sleep, growing by the minute as it does so, I shudder and ask myself who does it deserve me? Do I desereve it?

As I got the phone call letting me know that they had tried their best and done everything they could- their very best, but they had to let go because marriage is not for everbody, I wondered who marriage really is for.
As I walked away from the friends who had supported me and the faces I had looked into with hope and faith when they had just experienced something tragic, I pondered on whether in my absence they'd be ok. Who'd need the other more, me or they?

As I lay in my bed, anxiously waiting, counting the hours before the father I need comes into my room to make me earn the food, clothes and life which so many take for granted, I ask myself, how can it ever stop without it being a lose for all involved?

As I ran down the street with dry eyes because that well ran out ages ago for crying over the abusive man whom its my burden to love despite knowing he'll never love me back in the way I need him to, I wish I wasn't able to love at all.

As I siat in front of a computer screen on a night when I should have been fast asleep, instead of developing a headache from music which is far too loud and voices that are far too drunk- at someone else's party, I thought, surely there's gotta be more than this somewhere out there...

And as I write it all down and literally let it go, I visualise a way to say, "Universe, everything I have experienced, eaten, seen, heard, said and done today, please, lets just press delete".

*and then she killed herself*

It didn't have to be that way though. A helping hand, an empathetic smile, lips that dare to say, "are you ok" was all it would've taken to save her that day. So spread kindness wherever you are, because each time you ignore a broken heart or a hurting soul, you could be pouring sand over the casket at the funeral of that person, because these days people die a little each day and not all at once when they are old and sad...